I could not stop for death…

(Apologies to Emily Dickinson for the title of this post!)

So it’s been a while since I posted about my mother’s death and the arrangements I have to make. It took a few days for the death certificate to be released from the coroner, and I travelled back “home” (not that it feels like it anymore) on Monday to do my duty as sole next-of-kin.

I don’t know quite what I was expecting, but the past few days have been such a whirlwind of paperwork, phonecalls, bank appointments, letters, meetings and other such administrative annoyances that I simply have not had the time to really stop and let the basic fact of the situation sink in: my mother, the last remaining member of my immediate family, is dead. That leaves me, and some uncles that I am rarely in touch with. Right. It’s hard to remember the human connection when dealing with names on forms and account numbers.

Today I finally had a bit of time to process this, and I feel…surprisingly OK about it. I worry that this makes me some sort of heartless sociopath, but I’m also glad that I am not utterly devastated by this event and can still function at something resembling basic normal-ish.

I’ve arranged the funeral thanks to a very helpful local funeral director who knows the family well (big shout out to independent funeral firms. You are awesome.), and dealt with the confusing feeling of writing a Catholic service when I left that religion years ago, but hey…Irish family tradition and all that. I am now awaiting relatives to turn up over the next couple of days, and the inevitable deluge of awkward small talk and emotional sympathies that I really could do without at this stage, but I’ll go along with for everyone else.

I did a very small and low-key naturalist memorial in the local woods by a lake today, which was my way of saying goodbye without the pomp and ritual of churches, and which meant more to me than any formal funeral ever could (thanks especially to well-timed local wildlife appearing). I feel at peace with death generally, and her death in particular, but am still pretty stressed about the upcoming funeral and managing everyone’s expectations.

I have some more I want to write about, like how it was visiting the house to sort through her (many) possessions, and the odd and sometimes guilty sense of relief I have now she is gone, but those are for other posts soon.

Going back home for death

Hi all, Georgina here. So for those of you who read Ryan’s last post, you will know that his mother recently passed away and it has fallen to us to sort everything out.

Since the last post, we have been manically busy hence the long silence on the blog. Thankfully Ryan’s mother did not have to have a postmortem but the various delays and other bits and pieces meant that her death was only registered last Monday. As soon as we knew that that was going to happen, we jumped on the next train to start sorting through things.

So far we have managed to get things going with a funeral director. Thankfully the chap in question knows the family and has helped with the funerals of Ryan’s grandparents so he was really easy to deal with and is taking care of so many things which is a huge help.

We are currently wading through a lifetime’s worth of paperwork and other bits and pieces, trying to get some semblance of understanding of what everything means. This ranges from bank accounts to electricity bills and everything in between.

Reassuringly, everyone that we have had to deal with so far has been massively helpful and things are moving slowly but surely which is good. It is just rather surreal coming back to Ryan’s home town to sort out something we didn’t think we’d have to deal with for a good few years yet.

So far, we’ve discovered that there isn’t a will which means everything is up in the air. However, we’ve managed to get a lot done without having to pay a solicitor which is surprising yet empowering.

Anyway, Ryan will write another post soon to fill you all in on how things are going from his perspective. I’ve just been kicking ass and taking names with regards to getting all the paperwork sorted as that is the sort of thing I’m good at. Working together on this is way easier than one person doing it all alone so my only advice at this stage is, if you’re having to arrange all of this sort of thing alone…try and get a friend or a relative to help you out and if possible, make sure that they are someone you can trust and that you get on well with. Tensions and emotions run high with this sort of thing, so knowing that the person who is helping you has your back the whole way is important.

When death comes home

It’s one thing looking at death in the abstract, as an academic interest or a quirky curiosity, and quite another when it turns up on your doorstep when least expected.

I found out this weekend that my mother has died suddenly in hospital. She had various illnesses on and off for many years, including alcohol issues, but was recently very stable. She was rushed into hospital the other night, and died soon after. As I live hundreds of miles away, I was unable to be there for the death and so I got a phonecall from a relative to inform me the following day.

As it’s a Bank Holiday weekend here in the UK, nothing can be done until tomorrow at least. So there’s no death certificate as yet, and the coroner will be doing a post-mortem, so I have no idea when the body and certificate will be released.

But I will have to travel back at some point in the next few days. As the only surviving next-of-kin, organising the funeral and dealing with the estate (such as it is) is up to me. I won’t lie, it’s bloody terrifying as I have no real experience of this. I did help (along with Georgina) to organise my grandfather’s funeral a few years back, but estates and wills are a new minefield for me.

So what I was thinking of doing was blogging the process as I go. Both as a form of catharsis for me, and hopefully to be able to help others in a similar situation negotiate the legal and personal difficulties of a parent’s death. From dealing with funeral directors and solicitors to trying to organise a funeral in a religion I no longer identify with to dealing with family and the platitudes of well-wishers, it will all be here, so watch this space in the next few days/weeks.

Time to get personal: First aid and PTSD

I have just re-qualified as a first aid provider with St John Ambulance and this triggered some thoughts about sharing a story on here about my experience with death and PTSD as a first aider.

I won’t go into too much detail about the individual involved as they have surviving relatives and it would be unethical of me to reveal too much in a public forum such as this. However, I feel that sharing my experience is important as death is not always interesting/entertaining/fascinating. It can be scary, traumatic and difficult, regardless of how well adjusted to it you are.

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